Musician's Dictionary

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AGENT:
--a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary
ARRANGER:
--a guy who writes to support a drinking habit
BALLET:
-- an art form for people with eating disorders
BANDSTAND:
--the area furthest away from an electrical outlet
BIG BAND:
--nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians
BROADWAY PIT JOB:
--a prison sentence disguised as a gig
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME:
--God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much
CLUBDATER:
--God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough
CHANTEUSE:
--a singer with an accent and no time
CLASSICAL COMPOSER:
--a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent
CATERER:
--a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled
CLUB DATE LEADER:
--someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye
CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST:
--a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest
CONTRACTOR:
--a man whose funeral nobody goes to
CRUISE SHIP WORK:
--a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up
DOWNBEAT:
--the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working
ELECTRIC PIANO:
--the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it
HOTEL PIANIST:
--a guy who looks good in a tux
JAZZ:
--the only true american art form beloved by europeans
JAZZ FESTIVAL:
--an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad
MELLOPHONE:
--an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp
MOVIE COMPOSER:
--someone who can write like anyone except himself
NEW AGE:
--a musical substitute for Valium
NEW YEARS EVE:
--the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise
ORCHESTRATOR:
--the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it
PERCUSSIONIST:
--a drummer who can't swing
PERFECT PITCH:
--the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune
PIANIST:
--an archaic term for a keyboard player
SIDEMAN:
--the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich
STEADY ENGAGEMENT:
--look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word "obsolete"
24\7:
--the time signature of the national anthem of India
UNION REP:
--a guy who thinks big bands are coming back
VERSE:
--the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer
VIOLA D'AMORE:
--a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to


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