A Comedic Icon Built a Career on Getting 'No Respect.'
One of his last statements before going to the hospital was:
"If things go right, I'll be there about a week,
and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."
Other Classics:
"My wife's a water sign, I'm an earth sign; together we make mud.
"I mean, she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive — the refrigerator.
"It takes her an hour and a half to watch '60 Minutes.' OK, she's dumb.
"The other night, she met me at the front door wearing a see-through negligee. The only trouble is she was coming home.
"I was an ugly kid. My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"I'm so ugly, when I was a kid, my father bought a new billfold, and, instead of my picture, he carried the picture of the kid who came with the wallet."
"Life on the road was murder. I played one date, it was so far out in the sticks, I was reviewed by Field and Stream."
"One time I went to the store to buy rat poison only to have the clerk behind the counter ask, "Should I wrap it, or do you want to eat it here?"
"I tell you, I don't get no respect. When I step into an elevator, the attendant looks at me and says, 'Basement?' "
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"I never got any respect from my old man. I said, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't feel that way. Everybody hasn't met you yet.' "
"And my wife. As soon as I got married I knew I was in trouble. My in-laws sent me a thank-you note."
"My wife, let me tell you about my wife. She wants to have sex in the back seat of the car, but she wants me to drive."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"The other night I had a fight with my dog. My wife said the dog was right."
"I got no respect again last week. I went to buy a new suit and told the salesman I'd like to see something cheap. He told me to look in the mirror."
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